A sense of occasion.

This is my 200th post. And I will make it for me. At this significant time in my life, let me write about something closest to my heart - friendship.

At this very moment, I find myself on the verge of a possibly beautiful friendship. After a very long time, I think I found someone capable of giving me what I always give. I have always had this rather romantic view of friendship, quite possibly strengthened by movies and stories. For example, college always seemed to be THE place where such bonds are forged. And I can't say I was disappointed. I did find the kind of friendships I'd been hoping for. Friends through thick and thin, people who understood you more than anyone else. People who shared ideas, even if not always the same. Understanding. Supportive.

The one thing missing was the 'forever' part.

At the time, it did seem very much possible. And the sheer potential was enough to instill a deep happiness. It was one thing always missing in my life. But, like they say, Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.

To me, true friendship means all parties are equally important to one another. At times, the other feels so much like a part of you, an extension of your body and mind. Rather idealistic, but I do know people who have found this. Heck, I've felt it myself. And I envy those who have made these kind of relationships defy time and distance. I guess in some of my friendships, I allowed the other to become more inportant to me than I was to them. Maybe the friendship never ran that deep or was never meant to be forever, and I was the only one who desperately wanted it to be. What we had, or I thought we had, was too good to lose. Time can be a gentle stream or a raging river, moving over a lifetime - I guess I built dams on shaky foundations.

But this is about NOW. It's time to write off non-returning emotional investments. But once you've lost a lot, it's very difficult to find the faith to invest again. So I will cut my losses. It has been very difficult to accept, and maybe I knew it all along but I just could not stop trying to build bridges - some things are just not meant to be.

My problem now is one of faith. My experiences with friendship have been varied, but largely disappointing and emotionally distressing. My world sometimes looks like a bombed, ravaged city - just bits and pieces, inhospitable. Where there were once panes filtering pain and letting in gentle warmth and glow, there are now shards. Where there were once strong walls of security, there is now rubble. Where there were once loving friends I gained most of my strength from, there are now sullen, reticent faces. Dead relationships strewn everywhere.

But cities rise.

I believe we can be great friends, him and I. I can't remember the last time I felt such unbridled glee and joy at another's happiness. Allowances must be made, I know. But I am a fool. A romantic fool. I opened my heart, almost instantly, instinctively, to an emotional friendship. Maybe because I saw in him a possibility...of fulfilment. Of filling a painful void. An almost child-like belief in the same romantic notions of friendship I still entertain in some forgotten, dusty recesses of my heart. But I doubt my world can withstand another bombing.

I was once told that my relationships, including friendships, will be intense, powerful, and very satisfying. But they would be short-lived. Does that mean I trade in 'forever' for cautious optimism? Do I ride a 650cc Kawasaki Ninja at 40 kmph so I don't wear out the engine? But do I burn out something so beautiful, so powerful, by expecting too much and pushing the limits from the beginning?

Who says I can't find a balance.