Monday, September 15, 2014

Today I beat up an auto guy on the road. And I feel like shit.

I was angry because some other auto guys drove rashly and almost hit my car. I was distracted a little by something else and happened to nudge this guy from behind. It was in traffic so could not have been more than 10-15 kmph. He did stop a little suddenly because of the guy in front of him, but probably more my fault than his. No real damage anyway, but he was a relatively older guy, maybe not a rash driver himself so maybe justifiably a little upset. Not that there was much to be upset about - there was really no damage. But he insisted on following / chasing me (not that I was trying to ignore or run, but it was really a non-issue) - maybe he thought he would extract compensation. And I might even have given him something. If only he hadn't started abusing me.

How I wish he hadn't done that.

While driving away, I remember thinking - I hope he doesn't make this a big thing. He looks a bit old (white hair, but not frail or anything - in fact he was quite portly), and if I hit him, he will get hurt. Unnecessary. Don't do it.

But he insisted. How I wish he hadn't done that. Maybe he thought I looked meek, with my glasses and non-aggressive initial reaction.

All things considered, he probably didn't deserve a beating. By the time a couple of other people pulled me away, I was already anguished with guilt. After we both moved from the scene, I immediately wanted to stop him, apologize, ask for forgiveness and pay. I was trying to calculate about how much more delay I could afford,  since I was already an hour late for an important doctor's appointment. And while thinking, I lost him in the traffic. His day ruined, spirit probably broken, and his ideas probably reinforced about 'rich people in their cars' running roughshod over the little guy with no compunction whatsoever. Who did his anger and frustration affect later in the day? How did I let myself be the cause of such unhappiness?

There was no place for rational thought in that blinding haze of road rage. If the situation was slightly different and the previous auto guy had actually hit me, I would probably have beaten that guy to a pulp. The last time this happened, 8-9 years ago, strangely enough at the very same spot, I was the guy whose bike got bumped into from behind. The guy fell down and I went back to help him up and ask if he was OK (though he was at fault) and things were ok (since, again, we weren't going very fast in the traffic). Till he started abusing me. He then got beaten up pretty badly - day ruined, nose broken. And I was haunted for several days, not about whether I was in the wrong, but about how easy it was to cause serious physical damage.

All things considered, how realistic is it to expect that things might have gone differently? Hopefully there isn't a next time. If there is, hopefully the other guy will really deserve it. Hopefully, I won't kill him.

But today, I feel like shit.

^

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