Desire

The more of these dumbass tests I take, and the more questions about myself I answer, the more I'm hit by the sad realisation that I'm just not what I used to be anymore.

The fire's gone. The passion's on holiday. The zest is on leave. And the spark...I have no idea what's happened to the spark.
Yeah yeah, the tests are stupid and don't necessarily reflect on anything. But I look at the choices, see what I might have ticked just 3 years ago, and what I'm ticking now.

I feel old.
And I don't like it.

Is this what happens as we age? I want to feel a passion for some things. But it must be an all-encompassing passion, not a passing phase. I want to fight for something, to defend my belief. Sitting here all day, working for some company, getting paid, going home, watching TV, watching movies, playing the guitar, talking to friends, reading some book, listening to the same music...all this just doesn't do it for me anymore.

Ennui.

Give me back those days of thunder. Give me back that burning desire for tomorrow. Give me back that unpredictability, that heady feeling of not being in control yet willing to do ANYthing. Give me back the thrill of not knowing what I, myself, am going to do in the next five minutes.

Give me back the chaos of love. Give me back the risk of not eating tomorrow because I spent all my money on a movie today. Give me back the joy of risking it all, losing, and still thinking it was a damn good ride. Give me back the exhilaration of righteous defiance. Give me back the fearlessness. Give me back the illogicity. Give me back the wonder. Give me new rules so I can remember what it felt like to break them with impunity.

Bring back the wild child, the maverick.

Give ME back.