Depression
Is there ever a good time to be hit by depression?
As a kid, I always wondered at the reasons people got depressed. I always thought it was in the head. I mean, if you're depressed, surely it can't be all that hard to just stop thinking about whatever it was that made you feel that way. Think happy, and you'd feel better. That's all there was to it, isn't it?
I think the first time I ever faced it was, of course, relationship related. I began to actually understand what one goes through. And it was bloody painful. Of course, having never been in the company of compulsive depressives, I didn't know what to do. In fact, I didn't have a hint of a clue. I wallowed for a couple of months before I asked for help. And I asked for the first thing I thought might help - pills.
I got something akin to a tongue lashing. I knew only one person who knew something about professional help for this because he told me he'd sought it in his early teens. When you feel THAT bad, you'll take anything, do anything, if only this feeling would go away.
It lasted for another 6 months. The wound hadn't healed but thankfully, fate and distance intervened. Looking back, that probably saved me. The price one pays for intelligence is the existence of a very fine line between genius and insanity. And I was toeing deep, murky waters. At least, there was a reason then. But who's to question what is a reasonable reason for depression and what is not?
Of late, I find I slip rather easily into depression and worryingly so. You can call it what you want - I still feel like crap. The bouts I faced after that were largely related to love or acceptance. I never thought I'd ever feel so dependent on either. I did find a way to deal with the acceptance related ones, but there is no easy way out from the other path. If there is, I haven't found it.
One thinks one has grown up. One pats oneself on the back for being mature. How does one recover from wounds inflicted at the very heart of one's being? Of one's beliefs and convictions? How can I look myself in the eye if I let the wicked world shake my values? I would change if I felt my actions were unreasonable and therefore unacceptable or hurtful to others. What kind of person am I if I let other peoples' insecurities change who I am?
As a kid, I always wondered at the reasons people got depressed. I always thought it was in the head. I mean, if you're depressed, surely it can't be all that hard to just stop thinking about whatever it was that made you feel that way. Think happy, and you'd feel better. That's all there was to it, isn't it?
I think the first time I ever faced it was, of course, relationship related. I began to actually understand what one goes through. And it was bloody painful. Of course, having never been in the company of compulsive depressives, I didn't know what to do. In fact, I didn't have a hint of a clue. I wallowed for a couple of months before I asked for help. And I asked for the first thing I thought might help - pills.
I got something akin to a tongue lashing. I knew only one person who knew something about professional help for this because he told me he'd sought it in his early teens. When you feel THAT bad, you'll take anything, do anything, if only this feeling would go away.
It lasted for another 6 months. The wound hadn't healed but thankfully, fate and distance intervened. Looking back, that probably saved me. The price one pays for intelligence is the existence of a very fine line between genius and insanity. And I was toeing deep, murky waters. At least, there was a reason then. But who's to question what is a reasonable reason for depression and what is not?
Of late, I find I slip rather easily into depression and worryingly so. You can call it what you want - I still feel like crap. The bouts I faced after that were largely related to love or acceptance. I never thought I'd ever feel so dependent on either. I did find a way to deal with the acceptance related ones, but there is no easy way out from the other path. If there is, I haven't found it.
One thinks one has grown up. One pats oneself on the back for being mature. How does one recover from wounds inflicted at the very heart of one's being? Of one's beliefs and convictions? How can I look myself in the eye if I let the wicked world shake my values? I would change if I felt my actions were unreasonable and therefore unacceptable or hurtful to others. What kind of person am I if I let other peoples' insecurities change who I am?
spouted by Non-Sensei at 5/24/2004 04:22:00 AM
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