Cocoon

I remember the last time this happened - the sheer sugary fucking sweetness around me got to me.

The real clincher is the speed with which it hits. Blinding. It's what alcoholics call 'a moment of clarity'. Or maybe it's a moment of impenetrable obscurity. Maybe I'm running away - it's the 'from what?' part that's difficult. Or maybe I know the answer and I'm running away from that too...what's more difficult than trying to run away from your own thoughts and interpretations?

When was the last time you needed someone so bad you thought you couldn't breathe? When was the last time you wanted to be so alone that you thought you'd suffocate if you saw a familiar face? Now, what was the difference between them? Step outside, and ask each one 'hey you, how's life?'

I will go home. To my walls. My house. My shelter. My cocoon. My fortress. My fragile eggshell. My womb. My frayed sense of societal expectations and my shameful periodical submissions to them. My escape. My life. My sanity, my insanity. My peace. My solitude. My poisons. My surreal somnambulism. My all-too-real somniloquence. My irrelevance. My personal space. My lack of responsibility to all but myself. My obscurity. My one-in-four chances of dying of lung cancer. At least they are all mine. I don't need anyone else for these.

I need to disappear for a while. I need to lose myself, and find me. I like this detachment. Sadly, it seems to be getting easier all the time. I'm sure I'll have to pay for it, but right now I'm broke. I have no emotions to trade with. I was told to change. I did. I guess I was somewhat different. Seems to me I was far better off wearing my heart on my sleeve - at least I was the happier for it. I built the wall. I hated every brick, watered the cement with frustrated tears and repressed emotion. Now they tell me everyone already has one of these. Built years ago. With foundations in the deepest parts, with roots down to their hearts. Mine's so new, no wonder it's weak. Of course it shatters, of course it will leak.

I knew I shouldn't have, but I'm such a fool. I saw the cracks and cautiously peered through. I should have filled them right then! But I convinced myself a little more couldn't hurt. I looked and I looked. Someone looked back. The cracks widened. Became gaping holes. We still talked through the gaps. I thought I could use some help rebuilding this thing. Maybe this person can help! But they'd have to come in first. We made the holes bigger. The wall was crumbling. I couldn't see it.

Then, I did. While I was contemplating my next course of action, it began to rain. Oh joy! I closed my eyes, looked skyward, made a face as the drops hit my eyelids, turned round and round, ran, jumped...I ran on the grass till my lungs burned for air. I stopped to catch my breath. The rain had slowed to a drizzle, I hadn't noticed. I looked around. The Wall had fallen. I hadn't noticed. I was alone again...
I hadn't noticed.

This time, it will be stronger. I know I say that every time, but this time it'll be different. Yes, I know I say that every time too. But THIS time, there will be a door. Easier on everyone. When we're done, you can just walk out the door. Leave my walls the hell alone. If you're not satisfied with the heart you just ripped out, come back again later. It might have healed enough for me to serve it up for you again.

For now, leave. I need to be alone.