Chewths

I seem to have a serious problem pronouncing the D in ‘Madam’ – I just can NOT bring myself to say it.

Even if I absolutely have to, I feel the urge to go yackthooo after saying it that way. And if that wasn't bad enough, it has to be pronounced 'meydum'. If I don't say it, I run the risk of being thought of as ‘posh’ or ‘showing off’ or something.
Ugggghhhh.
Thank God for 'gaaru' (the Telugu equivalent of 'ji')

And then there's mera kaabil dost who is a major fan of mastication. Lunch time is torture. I watch/hear him eat, and its...just...Aaaarrrggghhh!! It's not like watching someone who has something stuck in their teeth - you can just look away. No, no. The sound follows you, like the eyes in a painting. There is no escape. It's always there, gnawing away silently at my brain, distorting perception, till I can almost see the pieces of cauliflower on my plate stand up and march away in orderly lines of two.

I tried correction by example. Na uh. No use. Then, others join the table. And suddenly it feels like they're ALL doing it! Just to irritate me to death! Aaarrgghh!! No No...get away from me you...you...Chewths! If I were to mention this, trying to put it as delicately as possible, or mention it in a humorous fashion, I'm dead sure the guy will say something sarcastic like 'Oh, UK mein aise karte kya? Hum gareeb log India mein aisi karte bhai...'. And I'll end up the bad guy. I mean, come on! It's not 'posh' or snobbish to have basic table manners. You can sit in your undies and fart till you're floating 3 inches above the ground when you're eating alone. I really couldn't care less. But please have the courtesy to respect other peoples' sensibilities when eating in a group.

It's not like I'm asking you to wear suits and use 4 fucking sets of cutlery is it?? I'm not even asking for intelligent conversation (I've given up on that), or discussion beyond office gossip and exchanging tips on how to screw the company over in every single teeny weeny way you can, am I?? All I beg of you is that you chew with your...frigging...mouths...shut! That's not too much to ask, is it? If I can do it, why can't you? You're always dying to pull one over me in every other department, when it comes to the job. Go ahead. Knock yerself out.

But puh-leeeeaaassee. Let me cling desperately to the remaining shreds of my sanity. And listen to the sweet sounds of NOTHING while we eat.

Thank you.