Thursday, January 29, 2004

What an absolute load of crap! I must apologise to myself. How did I ever come up with something like that?
Ah yes. Friday morning. That's how.
These days we can blame almost anything on days of the week. Monday morning blues, mid-week something or other...it's Friday and me's gonna get some tonight so I can't concentrate...Rose-tinted glasses on Friday evening turn into jet-black dark glasses to cover the hangover on Monday morning.

What a life.

Lost in translation II

I remember a post of mine talking about how sometimes people don't get me. Now, there's different forms of 'getting', I guess. Some get my sense of humour (I wonder how!), but not my more serious musings. With some, it's the other way round. And I remember ending the previous post being thankful for at least a few people getting me.

What if they too don't seem to get me anymore?

I mean, is it possible for the people who get you most of the time, to get you ALL of the time? Or is that too unrealistic? Maybe one needs to find a happy balance and learn to reconcile oneself to it. But there is a certain level of exasperation and frustration felt. I'm happy if I find someone who is normally able to keep pace with my train of thought, which in turn allows a far more rapid and productive exchange of ideas. But all of a sudden, if he changes tracks and his train seems to be stopping at stations different from mine, well...

But hey, we're all people, not machines. Things change, people change, right? I guess one can only hope that a connection, any connection- be it of the heart, intellect..whatever, stays more or less the same and only gets better with time. Maybe one must also learn not to expect too much and not feel too bad if that connection deteriorates. I'd always be a lot happier if I know I gave each connection an excellent chance and that its deterioration was not due to neglect on my part.

However, it'd be sad if someone I could relate to thought the same way always. I mean, where's the fun in THAT? I'd hardly like to have discussions with people who always think like me or always agree with me - where's the fun in THAT? Nobody benefits and nobody learns. I say the earth is flat, he agrees, and that's that. We're both idiots. Him for agreeing without proof and me for accepting his agreement without discussion.

But there is always a better way of putting forth your opinions, if you disagree. The most important thing is to listen and listen carefully. Make sure you get exactly what the other is saying. I mean, you wouldn't be even discussing with him if you thought he was an idiot. So chances are, he might actually be saying something significant which you are not picking up. During discussions, I have learnt to reiterate what the other is saying. 'So what you're saying is...'. This helps me get the whole discussion in perspective and, more importantly, strengthen my point of view and my arguments. But the best discussion is when both parties go in willing to BE CONVINCED, and not just to convince.

This is turning out to be a bloody 'How to be a better person/discusser' self-help book! Damn, I hate those things! How did I let this happen to me? I have become...indulgent parsimonious grandmother. Aaarrghh!!

Help.
Some of the most stomach-churningly powerful imagery I have seen in recent times...some very serious goth art.
www.jaestudio.com.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Anarchytect

I remember a good friend of mine, TD, used to be a great 'Anarchytect' in college. He had strong views on the subject and would usually be venting against the government, the system, the ABVP...whatever. I was (and still am a little) unclear on what anarchy really means.

I believe the literal meaning is 'without rule'. Lawlessness. Chaos. Anarchy and its supporters usually stir up images of protest, violence and the exuberance of youth, in my mind. What was it about being 17-20 that made us want to rebel? Give us a perfect life and we'd still find something to crib about, something to fight, something to protest. There was always something 'bad' in our lives, some thing or concept that was unacceptable to our ideas of what our lives should be like. Which brings out an interesting idea - how would you know something is 'good' unless you have something 'bad' to contrast it with? If every protest worked and all that we thought was wrong became right, would our lives be perfect?
(v interesting movie somewhat on these lines - Pleasantville. Tobey MacGuire, Reese Witherspoon).
But I digress.
Somehow the words 'lawlessness' and 'chaos' are associated with negative ideas. But that's because we're fed on the ideas that 'law' and 'order' are 'right' and anything else is 'wrong'. A place without order must definitely be headed down the toilet (my room wishes to differ!). But is this necessarily the case? What about the very underrated concept of communes? I'm not saying it's perfect, but it does work more or less without laws and rulers. Agreed it has a better chance of working because it's limited to a small population, but the idea works.

Bacteria don't have kings and parliaments. Lions by and large don't have laws, although they do have leaders of the pride. Include man and the discussion gets complicated by a factor of X. Believe it or not, there are more than enough arguments about bacteria and amoebae, or even viruses, being more 'evolved' than we are. But this train of thought takes us into a debate on evolution, so let's not go there. Food for thought, though.

I think a certain level of control is ABSOLUTELY necessary. The problem is - who decides what that level is? Every generation feels it doesn't get enough from the one before. So they take it a step further. The more you have, the more you want. Push the limits, for they were set by someone else.

But this is pretty much what evolution is, isn't it? Wanting more has brought us where we are, made us what we are. We would be nothing without desire. Greed. Then why are we taught that these are wrong?? Down with the bloody system!!

What if we had no laws, then eh? Everyone free to do exactly whatever the fuck they wanted to. A state of anarchy. What the hormonally overdosed clamour for at hard rock/heavy metal concerts. Jungle law, basically. Who would survive? The strongest? The smartest?

I think anarchy would be the evolutionary biologists' DREAM. If we don't self destruct as a species in the next 500-1000 years (a flicker on an evolutionary time scale), fikar not. The Anarchytects of the young generation will do it for us.

Another thing I remember my friend TD picked up from somewhere and wrote on our notice board - 'By the time I realised my father was right, my son was too old to listen to me'.

An Anarchytect in the making.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Punny thing...

I've had a long-standing peeve about people not knowing the difference between a pun and a double meaning. Admittedly, the difference is subtle and the humour-ally challenged can argue endlessly, defending their point (assuming they have one). I have been at the receiving end of a few of these arguments and have been made to understand the meaning of the Hindi phrase bhains ke saamne been bajana. The difference, to me, is rather simple. A thing of pun is a joy forever whereas a double entendre is somewhat like a trinket; cheap laffs which rarely have lasting humour value. Finally, puns are not for everyone. No problem with enjoying a sidey joke - I do too, sometimes. Just please don't call it a pun, or say 'pun (un)intended' when it's just a double meaning.
Illustrations are probably in order. These are just off the top of my head, so they may not be perfect. But they may suffice to illustrate the point.

Girl : Do you have a 'pen'? Hee hee...
Boy : Yeah, I have a 'big one'! Hee hee...

This is a simple double entendre, with no pretensions to punning. Now, if the boy making a penis-reference joke were to be called Dick or Peter, that would be somewhat funnier and may even qualify for a pun. But not decidedly so.

Punning is very much a grey area. (pat, pat)

Now, something like " A 'pen' in hand is NOT worth its two deputies in the bush" is funny on several levels (I can hear a few groans in the house and a few cries of 'gutter!gutter!'). I would rather not go into how the above statement is funny, gross, and somewhat clever (in the bargain) all at the same time. I could go on about the pen's ink and inkpots and the like, but I fear bodily harm from certain quarters (those people yelling 'gutter!gutter!' in particular).
The point is that, even though the above stuff is funny on different levels depending on interpretation, it is STILL not punning. It remains on the level of double entendres. Clever ones, but d.es nevertheless.

The humour in a pun, however, is not so easy to explain. Even if explained, it just may not seem funny. Just like the eye of the beholder, the humour in a pun is particular to the 'laugher' (?). So I won't bother explaining the humour in the puns below.

The title of the 1992 Robert Zemeckis film starring Meryl Streep, Goldie Hawn, Isabella Rossellini and Bruce Willis - "Death Becomes Her".

Mercutio, Romeo's best friend, is fatally wounded by Tybalt. On his deathbed, a smiling Mercutio's last words to Romeo are "Ask of me tomorrow, and you shall find me a grave man". Ah, the brilliant bard!

I rest my case.

Monday, January 26, 2004

That cold, rainy, sodden, depressing, racist, miserable country...
Remind me - why do I think of it so fondly, again?

More pubs than drugstores. Beer with breakfast, lunch and dinner. Beautiful, beautiful sunny Saturdays. Cricket in Regent's Park. People. Friends. Weekend trips. Ease of travel. Small, picturesque, cosy towns. The countryside. HMV sales. Concerts. Musicals. Theatre. Street Carnivals. Museums. Architecture. Walking. Clubbing. The River. Food. Love. Sex. Options.

Freedom. In every sense.

Yeah, that just might be the reason.
Top Cat: And your name, sir?
(new cat in neighborhood, grabbing all the attention):Name's Jazz - A.T. Jazz.
Top Cat: And what might 'A.T.' stand for?
Jazz: All That...

That was one funky cartoon...

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Who says life is sacred? God?
Hey, if you read your history, God is one of the leading causes of death

- George Carlin

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

My take on Blog.

Scary thought to a relatively new blogger : what if the server crashes?

This is not just random crap I'm spouting here y' know (at least, I try not to). These are genuine thoughts, ideas and feelings which I'm not recording anywhere else. Is that the mistake I'm making? Even now, I already enjoy going through my own old posts..what if one day, some little band of rebel microchips in the main server decide to go on flippin' strike? With my luck, they will probably be the ones with MY data on them. And they will be the ONLY ones.
Then maybe I should be storing all this somewhere else too. Like on a hard disk or something. But a, this is my office comp, and b, that's not foolproof either, is it? Aren't hard disk crashes even more common? I would feel bloody cheated if I lost all the stuff I put down here. So solution...solution..['here...copper sulphate..sodium chloride...potassium cyanide. Now, pop quiz. First, we pop...']. CDs, floppies...nothing.

Ah, I have it! I must write them down. All these wonderful ideas of mine. Pen and ink, words, by hand. That's the way. Ha ha! I'm smarter than you, you little computer virus buggers.
No wait, how is that different from what people have been doing for ages? Where do the advantages of info tech come into the picture? Come to think of it, what ARE the advantages of 'blogging'? Well, you can have a very valuable and mutually satisfying exchange of ideas and other things over vast distances, VERY quickly, like from opposing ends of the earth, for example. Then what's the bloody idea doing it for the sake of your friends and for their comments, friends who live in the SAME city and with whom you can probably communicate in far better ways anyway?? If you really want them to read what you've written, pen and paper is as good as anything. I find writing for others' comments somewhat shallow, and SPECIFICALLY for that purpose, even more so. Like that oh-so-profound line from that movie, "Become who you are". Not what you want others to think you are.

Alright, back to topic. To be fair, another advantage I see in blogging is a convenient marriage between a journal (online, though) and a chatroom. It has the best of both - you can say pretty much what you want, can control access to your blog (right?), random people can give their opinions on your views and like c-rooms, you could find someone beautifully on your wavelength. And this usually has excellent results. Nice. I'm all for it.

Now, I've seen a lot of egomaniacal, self-congratulatory, full of attitude, in-your-face, abrasive, sycophantic, ooo-I-love-my-friends-and-am-dying-to-hear-their-comments kinds of blogs. But for every 3 or 4 of those, I also find one blog which runs on the true spirit of blogging. Which touches me as genuine. Which shows a person trying to express him/herself. Isn't that the same as when we actually 'physically' meet people?

Hey, there are enough and more lies on the net. Another good thing about blogging is that, if done right, it can be purely an interaction between minds. Intellects. Not a damn dating service. It's not to advertise if you're good in bed or a "fun-loving Arian looking for love". The battle of the sexes, if it occurs, more often than not, remains at good-natured banter. Or if it gets heated, doesn't (shouldn't) get sexist.
And nobody's gonna throw you out of the chatroom for being abusive or opinionated.

This lack of the concept of a body attached to the mind is inherent. I would just as happily love to interact with someone's mind (on the same wavelength, of course) and not necessarily feel the need to meet them. I don't think I could necessarily meet Mysticity from Montreal, but if I can have great discussions...great! Maybe I don't WANT to meet the blogger I interact virtually with. Maybe we will, if we feel we want to. But things like bloggers meets...I mean, what's THAT all about? And people make such a big deal out of it.

Hmm..let's see. People who know each other meeting somewhere, having fun talking (isnt that what you do now on the blogs as well?)..with various optional parameters factored in as well (such as drinking, hooking up), whaddaya know..it's just another bloody PARTY!

Well, not that that's bad in itself. I mean, hey, it's human social interaction. We wouldn't be what we are without it (we could argue, but some other time). No problems there. Even associating it with blogging is fine. Like minded people meeting. Great. And who doesn't love a party? I do too. I'm just airing views, opinions and ideas here (what blogs were meant for!), not looking to propagate or convince.

So, blogging. A novel concept (some time ago, at least) basically intended to be a personal and private record of thoughts and ideas. To further isolate individuals rather than integrate (positives and negatives of this- another 4 hour discussion). Morphed into yet another device to facilitate social gathering and interaction, to further, conceivably, the selection, mating and evolutionary process. As has been done for ages.

Full fucking circle.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Some very lucid and valid views on religion and Christianity here (Goto Jan 15th 2004); plus a lot of other topics too.
A logical 'discusser' after my own heart!

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Vedanuddharade, Jagandivahade
Bhoogola mudhviprade
Daityam daarayade
Balim chchalayade
Kshatrakshayam kurvade
Paulastyam jayade
Halam kalayade
Kaarunya maadhanvade
Mlechchan moorchayade
Dasha kriti krite
Krishnaya dubhyam namah


Thank you, Ammumme.

Shoot at sight.

Many of my 'brilliant' ideas strike in the 15 minutes before I fall asleep. Then, of course, I cannot fall asleep. Which makes these 15 minutes pretty much like any other 15 minutes I guess...Anyway, it's probably that semi-sleep state which induces such profundity (no wonder I spout brilliant philosophy at the office!). My dreams and related nonsense will shortly be published in a 3 volume series - but that's a whole different story. Cross references to the time spent listening to me talk of my dreams may be found in some of my friends' biographies under the section "Most painful/boring/wasteful 3 hours of my life".
But this is not really what I wanted to talk about.
I wanted to talk about change. Oh, yes I know enough and more has been said by people far cleverer than I, but to me, change is a very personal thing. I may not give two shits if the Lee showroom which was here is now there. But I do care when the beautiful trees I remember lining the Secunderabad main road are cut down to build a flyover. I do care when 50 year-old shops are torn down to make a wider road (this I am not against and even think necessary - but the look of the old shops will be missed). From an amateur chronicler's point of view, I care when I think of all the things I can see today which my children may not be able to see someday.

So, my brilliant-beyond-brilliant idea was to drive thru this lovely sheher of mine, and capture it on film. Random footage, basically. Of people, roads, unfinished development work, empty spaces, greenery. The last two, Im worried, might be rare sights in 10 years. Not an especially novel idea, I know. But, like I said, it's novel to me personally. And that's good enough.
So I made some grand plans on the Saturday. With Amma going to Australia in 2 days, I had limited time with the cam. By the time she comes back, it'll be too hot to run around in the daytime filming. So it had to be this Sat and Sun.
Plan A (best laid) - start off at around 11 am. Begin at Tank bund - the divider between Hyd and Sec. Chart a route and cover as much as we can.

Of course, things didn't go exactly as planned. We tried starting at 1.30 ish. But a few spanners casually tossed by delightful circumstance brought the proceedings to a grinding halt.

Well, some proceedings, at least. Best laid eh? Absolutely! Heh heh..I pun.

Anyway, we figure out the camera and start at about 4 ish. This actually turned out to be brilliant, cos the lighting was excellent, it wasnt too hot, we were in a lovely mood...all of which might have been ruined if we'd started earlier. Besides, the battery eventually lasted just as long as the light.
Two and a half hours and 70 km later, we had 43 minutes of what might look strange to the untrained eye. To the trained eye, it's probably absolute rubbish.
But who cares? This is for me. For us. For whoever wants to take a look 10 years later at the city of our youth. For whoever wants to thumb through time, in a very small way. Capture something as eternal, yet ephemeral, as time.

Film is such a wonderful thing.

Friday, January 16, 2004

And in other news...

The Times of India, Thursday Jan 15th, 2004.
"...a California woman who said she suffered severe emotional distress after she discovered a condom in her clam chowder, a company pokesman says."

How appropriate. Who better, eh? Wonder how much he gets paid...
And what a wonderful job description on the resume. But then, why would he leave such a wonderful job?
After the deed, maybe he says "Ah'm sorry, mayam. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Just doin' ma dooty. Plus, ah git paid for it. Ah'm the company Pokesman, y'know..."

I want words with my goddamn career counsellor.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

The Kite and I

Yowsah! Had THE most successful day in my rather not-worth-mentioning kite flying career yesterday. 10 cut and wonly the 1 lost. U missed it Aus. None of us were champs, really, but the beer seemed to have helped summat. So, in the end, it was worth going into the dingy depths of Nampally, to Dhoolpet, to extract that manjha.
Turned out I was short of cash to buy what I wanted. And ICICI was as available as a clean Sulabh complex when you really need one. So the shopkeeper turned to me and said (now it all seems to be in soft sepia tones, in slow motion)
"Paison ki fikar mat karo saab...manjha le jaao..main samajh letun ki mai ich patang uda liya.."
Wah ustad wah. Maan gaye..
SO I asked him to choose the best manjha he had. The one he gave me didn't look so good to my oh-so-experienced eyes. But after our unparalleled success and our unchallenged supremacy over the skies of Srinagar colony, I had half a mind to go all the way back, some 20 kms, and pay him the rest of the money, some 20-30 bucks.

The beer took care of this, and any other such ridiculous ideas I may have had.

He was probably ripping me off anyway.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Spent a significant part of sleeping time last night watching 'Sweet November'. Sometimes, when I'm watching silly, soppy romances...that slowly drifting away thingie happens...and it's usually a huge RED "Uhhhh oooohh" signal...and that's when I jump up, kick myself a few times and realise...
Damn. How did I let this happen..again?!

There's that Whitesnake song in my head again. Doh!
It's like a freaky Ally McBeal sequence...damn.
I like this word (Thanks, CS). Damn. Very expressive.
Damn damn damn.
Damn, I need another word (just in case).
Doh!
Funny thing. I always thought doing nothing at all would be fun.

Workshop? Devil uncle has set up a bloody full fledged factory and is about to declare record third quarter profits.

The overriding bane of my life has been and is starting trouble (pls note I did not say '..and will be..'. I hope to change that, once I get down to it). Always the first in line to have fun. Play NOW, take a break NOW..there will always be time for work, I always say. Like some kindred soul said - Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Well, I must be the richest, or one of the richest people on the planet.
If only I could get myself to do something useful. Its that damn idiot box!That @#%*@ boob tube! Such quality programming...educative, informative and entertaining..how do they expect us to do anything productive dammit?!!
As Mr.Rahul of Indian Ocean so succintly put it, 'since because' I'm such a chronic time-waster, it follows that...that...well, there's another train of thought that's left me stranded at the station...dammit. If only that red chap in my head would let something crystallize and percolate down.
Oh wait. If it crystallizes, it won't percolate. If it percolates, it may not crystallize here. What's the friggin' point????!!

[Hmm..just going thru old mails..damn, some of them are painful. Ouch! Ah well, u live, u learn.]
[Well, whaddaya know...some are actually such a pleasure to read. Like the first few I got from you, and you when I was in London. :-)]
All those mails seem to have calmed me down a bit. And whaddaya know, cleaning out my inbox (511 emails) now gives me something to do.
Hey, who said anything about productive?

Monday, January 12, 2004

Today has been a good day...so far.
Why?
Hmm..I'm beginning to get suspicious...

Friday, January 09, 2004

Lost in translation

Sometimes people just don't get what I'm saying.

Maybe I'm not being clear, maybe I talk too fast, or maybe my train of thought just runs on extremely high-octane, super rocket engine fuel. Hard to say, really. Sometimes, it's a downer when people don't exactly think that joke was made in heaven.

Then again, sometimes, I find people who do. And that's sheer bliss.

I've been giving this some thought and I think, at some point, I'm going to do some serious research on the genetic basis of intelligence. Few things fascinate me as much as the human brain. In many ways, it is the final frontier of our science.

Anyway, like I was saying, sometimes people don't get me. I'm also able to now put more food into my mouth at one time than before. The connection? If you've already made it, mail me immediately! Methinks Australo would also be glad to make thine acquaintance - what say, boy?
In case you haven't made the connection, my mouth is now larger as a direct result of the large and lamentable number of times my foot has been introduced to my gums. Thankfully, they are now little more than casual acquaintances, meeting only in parties, under the socially lubricating influence of alcohol.

I've made some major boo boos in my time. People who knew me during my oh-so-wonderful college days might testify to that. I also had this talent for displaying excessive smartness in front of the wrong people. Case in point - first day ragging session.
I don't mind admitting I was quite nervous about this. I made a conscious effort to not put my juniors thru any significant embarassment. And it seems to have paid off - I don't remember making thick friends out of my seniors but I'd like to believe that I've made some really good ones among my juniors. You know who you are. It's a privilege. Respect is definitely earned and, more importantly, mutual.

First lesson learnt during ragging - English is useless.
Second lesson - do NOT volunteer to be the first to perform a ragging act, even if you think you can do it better than the others, even if you want to prove to the seniors that you're an intelligent guy who does not deserve to be subjected to this.
Third (painful) lesson - char anna, aath aana, baaraana, rupayi.
Aahhh..those lovely, lovely NC days.
Fourth lesson - do NOT bring intelligent, well-dressed, good looking girl/female friends into the college within your first year. You, and they, will not be the better off for it.
(But hell, it was worth it!)
The lesson list will run into a few pages...maybe some other time, then.
Hey Aus, we should round up the boys and have a nostalgia session.

As should be evident by now, yours truly has no problems whatsoever ramblin' on about nothing at all. Thankfully, along the way, I've found people who don't mind that so much. Thankfully, they know and still love me even/especially when I 'lose it'. Thankfully, I can maintain a sense of sanity (if not sanity itself) because being around them reconfirms my faith that l am not mad. And if I am, I am not alone.

Thankfully, sometimes, the people who matter get exactly what I'm saying.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Money

Money IS important.
There. I said it.

When I was about 8 or 9, I remember asking around to find out who the most powerful person in the world was. The guy who everyone would listen to. The guy nobody questions or answers back to. Somehow, I reached the conclusion that it must be the Pope. I mean, he looked old and distinguished enough. Surely his word must carry the most weight in the world.

I asked (Amma, mostly) if he could order people to stop using money. It seemed to me that most of our (the world's) problems were due to them li'l pieces of paper. To me, I doodled on a helluva lot of the same stuff everyday and nobody seemed to think that was very valuable! But some funky designs and some colour et voila! It suddenly become worth killing for.

So Amma sort of encouraged me to go on and see where this line of reasoning took me. So I said, if I want a shirt, I should be able to go to the shop and just take one. 'So who will make it?'. The tailor of course! 'And why should he make it?'. Well, he needs some too, and he might as well make one for me. There needn't be any money involved.
'Then what about him and his family? How will he feed and take care of them? He needs things too, just like you.'
I mean, he's a nice guy and all that, and why can't everyone just be nice to each other and give each other things? I can make/do something you can't and vice versa - so I'll give you my stuff, and you give me your stuff. It did occur to me at this point that there would, of course, be people (like me) who would just sit there and sponge off the niceness of the others. But it didn't help my argument, so I just kept that pearl of wisdom to meself.

'Hmmm...you've just discovered the barter system'.
Oh yes...! The one used in all the most ancient civilisations. The ones where people were most happy. The ones with, to the best of our knowledge, not much violence. The basic needs taken care of, people had all the time and energy in the world to think, create, invent, reinvent. Damn, they had the right idea!
And some dam phool (like in the Chlormint ad) went and thought up money. Just because 5 goats didn't exactly add up to the village hottie. Well, maybe some Kiwis or Irishmen would be ok with that concept, but I digress.

Dreams, and nice ones at that, come easily at that age. I thought I was just gonna have a li'l tete-a-tete with our man in that big white church, and it would all be sorted out. I was going to be the father of a goddamn new world order. No more money. You want it, you got it. I was going to...

And then it struck me - Damn. This is going to take a while.

And I need my free packet of Phantom Sweet Cigarettes NOW!
Damn.
Plan B.

she: so, how was lunch?
I : hmm..ok I guess. Same shit, different day.
she: heh heh. What did you have?
I: no, wait. Lunch was different shit, different day. I just confused it with my life...
"Hunger is the driving force" - Raja Kartikeya, Mood Indigo, 1999.
Hear hear.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Bored..sleepy..bored..sleepy...bored...
Sigh..decisions, decisions..

In the evening

Home.
The only sound in the dusty driveway lined by trees is the rhythmic purring of my bike. I turn off the engine, close my eyes, take a deep breath and breathe in the evening. It fills me just as it itself is filled with possibility. Pregnant.
I park the bike and pull out the house keys from my pocket. The satisfying click in the lock seems to be the prelude to a beautiful symphony, one that I, and only I, can conduct.
I walk over to the dark, panelled cabinet. The sun hasn't set yet. The yellow, oblique rays seem to be tilting their heads and smiling at me - just like you do sometimes. As I pour out a drink, the light stirs some faint memory. Like something I've seen in a movie, like the evening on some Texan ranch with miles and miles of beautiful, pristine farmland around. A twinkle catches my eye. It's the glass. The light reflecting off the intricately cut crystal, mixing, blending with the perfect drink and enhancing its soothing, mellowing effect. I find the remote and turn on the player. I make my way to the outside, climb the short ladder, onto the roof. In the dim light of the setting sun, the sweet strains of Miles Davis take me with them. Far away. Further and further, until I can almost see tomorrow on the horizon.
Wish you were here.

Wanderlust

I am such a sucker for travelling and trips. Don't need an excuse. Someone said 'let's have a picnic', and I'm already looking at the list of holidays for the year, trying to see when I can bugger off for a few days.
It was on my last trip to Hampi that the brainwave struck. Just passing thru these fields and fields of sunflowers and other green stuff, and I thought - This is the bloody life! What am I doing with my time? And the great, quintessential road trip idea was born - it's all still in my head, of course.
Feb 19th, Thursday and March 30th, Tuesday are holidays. All I gotta do is take leave on Feb 20th and March 29th and I've got two 4-day blocks...now, what best to do with them?
Places to go include Araku (by car, taking Amaravati on the way), Pondi, the Warangal temples...not short of ideas. Or maybe I am, a little. Any suggestions anyone?
The other idea was to take cameras, or any video recording equipment. Record like crazy - randomness, chaos, unblinkered images of a trip as much of body as of mind...If we get a car- 3-4 ppl, equipment, paraphernalia..and we're off! With nothing more than a hazy idea of where we're headed.
There's this huge albatross around my neck and it's starting to get on my nerves. I've seen a lot of the UK and a lot of Europe...and I have no fuckin' clue what my own state has to offer. What a crying shame. Anyway, no matter. This, too, will pass.
And reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is not helping. The idea of 'going' being so much more important and desirable than 'arriving' anyplace in particular. The long-ignored call of the road is now yelling obscenities into my ear. I believe it's possible to hire bikes from Chennai to go to Pondi...mamma mia! So many options, so little time.

And so few people worth doing this stuff with...

Open call, really. All this sound good to anyone? Good enough to leave it all behind for 3-4 days and recharge? Give me a shout if you're interested, plus if you think u can make it at that time period - around Feb 19-22 or March 27-30.
I can't afford to miss out this time...
I also can't wait!
Hopefully, The Procrastinator won't rear his ugly head this time...

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

...
...


- Kind of Blue, Miles Davis

aaahhh....:-)

Lyrics ban

Following complaints (largely justified) of too much lyrics and wastage of potential writing talent, with immediate effect, there will be an indefinite curfew on lyrics on this blog.
All those heaving sighs of relief may kindly express the same in the comments section available on the said blog.
The writer and related creatures (refer blog description) would like to express their sincere gratitude for the feedback.

Mercy bocoo (pardonnez ma francaise, s'il vous plait).
I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!
- Calvin
Don't move
Don't talk out of time
Don't think
Don't worry
Everything's just fine
Just fine

Don't grab
Don't clutch
Don't hope for too much
Don't breathe
Don't achieve
Or grieve without leave

Don't check
Just balance on the fence
Don't answer
Don't ask
Don't try and make sense

Don't whisper
Don't talk
Don't run if you can walk
Don't cheat, compete
Don't miss the one beat

Don't travel by train
Don't eat
Don't spill
Don't piss in the drain
Don't make a will

Don't fill out any forms
Don't compensate
Don't cower
Don't crawl
Don't come around late
Don't hover at the gate

Don't take it on board
Don't fall on your sword
Just play another chord
If you feel you're getting bored

enough

Don't change your brand
Don't listen to the band
Don't gape
Don't ape
Don't change your shape
Have another grape

enough

Don't plead
Don't bridle
Don't shackle
Don't grind
Don't curve
Don't swerve
Lie, die, serve
Don't theorize, realise, polarise
Chance, dance,dismiss, apologise

enough

Don't spy
Don't lie
Don't try
Imply
Detain
Explain
Start again

Don't triumph
Don't coax
Don't cling
Don't hoax
Don't freak
Peak
Don't leak
Don't speak

Don't project
Don't connect
Protect
Don't expect
Suggest

Don't struggle
Don't jerk
Don't collar
Don't work
Don't wish
Don't fish
Don't teach
Don't reach

Don't borrow
enough
Don't break
Don't fence
Don't steal
Don't pass
Don't press
Don't try
Don't feel

Don't touch
Don't dive
Don't suffer
Don't rhyme
Don't fantasize
Don't rise
Don't lie
Don't project
Don't connect
Protect
Don't expect
Suggest

I feel numb

- Numb, U2
and it's been a while...
since i've seen the way the candles light your face,
and it's been a while...
but i can still remember just the way you taste..
The space between the tears we cry
is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The space between
The wicked lies we tell to keep us safe from the pain
Will I hold you again?
These fickle fuddled words confuse me
Like will it rain today
We waste the hours with talking talking
These twisted games we're playing
We're strange allies, with warring hearts
What a wild-eyed beast you be

The space between where you smile and hide
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The space between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splashed in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into your room
The space between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding waiting for you
The space between your heart and mind
Is the space we'll fill with time

- The Space Between, Dave Matthews' Band
It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

- Runaway Train, Soul Asylum
A blog is just your best friend whom you can't talk to right now...

Monday, January 05, 2004

Obsessive compulsive archive trawler

Thank you, all you profound people out there - E.A., Australo, So on.., and Whatever, and all your blog links...
These will come extremely handy in filling up my empty and desolate days when I'm fired from my job. It has been about three weeks since I have done anything, absolutely anything, even remotely productive at work. And nobody seems to have noticed.

This is either very good, or very bad.

Remember an episode where Phoebe tries to talk Jason Alexander (George Costanza on Seinfeld) out of commiting suicide, thru the phone. He's depressed coz nobody at work knows he exists.
Ha ha ha.
Very funny.
In a dark comedy sort of way...

Man! How sad is my life if I keep relating it to sad, sitcom reruns?
Uh oh..here it comes...slowly, sneaking up on me...I can feel its presence somewhere around...faster..faster..BAM!!

Realisation.
Stark and cold.

Oh boy..

Archives

Request permission to set "Bed-Ridden" by CS to music...
07/2002
Just read Chinmayi's review of "Khatron Ke Khiladi" on fullhyd...HA HA HA!!
Remember that one, CS? What a ball we had...
Still waiting for my aching sides to return to normal...
You don't let me eat, you don't let me sleep
You don't let me think, I feel nothing but you.
It's not fair and it's all your fault, as always.
Why, oh why, do I let myself reach these points of no return?

She takes just like a woman, yes, she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does
And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl.


Just like a Woman - Bob Dylan
Et tu Vodke? Then fall Breezer...
Inertia - where art thou??
Oh, there you are...
Energy, creativity, will/need to do something - where art thou??
(Silence. Wind whooshing thru dark, dusty, cavernous hallways in my mind...)

1 Giant Leap

Saw an amazing programme on Nat Geo about two Englishmen who wanted to find out what inspiration is, and its source. So they went around the world in 6 months, shot over 400 hours of footage and recorded the music of the world - from an African preacher/singer to monks in South East Asia, where the music is not even played on conventional scales.
And yes, they did India.
Basically working as a universal jam session, music from one part of the world is played elsewhere and the new musician just jams along - capturing inspiration in its moment of creation. Its got Asha Bhosle (they saw her somewhere and she just sang into the laptop!), U Srinivas and his electric mandolin (!!)...simply amazing. All mostly set to western beats and rhythm. well worth a listen and probably even a buy.
Picking musicians off the streets, they are still looking for a Nepalese who just walked in, sang, and disappeared after without a trace, without even collecting his money.
Amazing what music can do...the very definition of world music.

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Girgut

Depending on the context, between Machchar and me, this means either cigarette or cricket. In Hindi, it means chameleon.
Don't ask.
Fourth and final test betwen Ind and Aus - what a fab series! Today's the fourth day. After Sachin's 241* in the first innings, Ganguly has declared (sportsman-like or chutiya-like, time will tell) in the second, setting a target of about 450 in a day and a bit.
Steve Waugh's last test.
I have a vague feeling we're gonna get muddered and Gangs da will never live this down.
I also have an inkling we might win and Gangs da will be the toast of the nation for a long time to come.
Further, I is having a sense (maybe 6th, I've lost count) the Aussies might draw if they're in a real bad position on the 5th day, if only to prevent a series loss, cos even a draw means we retain the Gavaskar-Border trophy.
Sighh...too many thoughts..must..stop...analysing..
Right now, I is itching in various places to rush to canteen and watch.

Meeeeemorieees..all alone in the moonlight...

Had a school reunion yesterday. Class of '96. Organised chiefly by Chaitanya and Maitreyi, with good support from Nivi. Was really nice. Was a lil late cos I had to goto shooting at Apollo and then rush to Amrutha Castle for this thingie. I definitely did NOT expect such a rousing welcome!
Hushed whispers among the girls, smiles, handshakes and hugs from the guys...was real nice.
What is the exact sentiment associated with nostalgia? Is it pain? Happiness? Does it depend on the type of memories? Or is it a whole bloody emotion on its own?
Met a whole lot of people and for the first time, understood the fuss around looking good at reunions. Need to have something to say, need to know u turned out better than some and more importantly, better than most expected you to. Need to know you have grown above and beyond some things and some people.
Did.
Maitreyi did come up to me first and shake my hand.
Nothing.
Yay!! YAY!!! I've known for a while, and I feel vindicated. And I'm so happy for her and Shyam - really great guy. I hope nobody is going to make a big deal abt this at some future time. And it was such a huge relief to feel no tension.

I've been sitting here in office all morning and recollecting our first years together. To think, many of us met for the first time as 3 and 4 year olds and we're still together...lovely.
When time came to stand up and introduce ourselves, Maitreyi came up with a couple of excellent points on who goes first - "Ajay is always first...even in the attendance roll call!"
Oh, well.
Someday, I will stand up like that again, and talk of all the lovely memories I have from LKG to class 5. After that, it gets a little...well, maybe someone else can take over.
I guess everyone feels a little left out at some point in their lives.
That's the thing with memories I guess - some make you stronger, some weaker. It's the way you deal with the latter ones that tells you about the kind of stuff you're made of.

And that's the biggest vindication of all.

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile like the old days
I was beautiful, then I remember
The time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again




"Diagonally parked in a parallel universe..."
Amazing, the amount of wisdom one finds if one looks hard enough...sometimes even within oneself.
btw, don't claim originality for the first line - just put it down cos Im bloody sure I'll forget it. And this one's good enough to remember.

Friday, January 02, 2004

Oh yeah...quite fulfilled, not quite tanked.
Most excellent, duuuuuuude...
Sweet.

Old - New

What a night! Oh, what a wonderful morning...
Conversely, what a day.
I speak, of course, of the lamentable difference between 31st Dec, 2003, 9 pm onwards and 2nd Jan, 2004, 6 am onwards.

The party went off great. We duly had our share of flies in the ointment - Rajiv passing out, slight shortage of music, alcohol and wattage, the flashing strobe conking (the most damn expensive thing, didnt work plus we have to pay 400 to replace the bulb!), lots of leftover food (but better more than less, innit?).
But the rest...couldnt have hoped for more. Sushma (bless her!) took over the party niceties, ppl acted like adults and did their own intros and socialising, nobody knew everybody so everyone had the opportunity to meet someone new, the apt was fab thanks to Amit Dutta, the logistics were handled to a great extent thanks to Chaitanya (tho' I hope he aint ripping us off somewhere!). Could have had a wee bit more dancing and a few more people staying till later, but hey, all said and done, I think it was a great job for first time party-throwers. Yeah, even if I do say so myself.
The guitar session to end the night hit the spot. Ooooh yesss..right there. It did hit my fingers too, but what the hey...
It would have been just another party, just another unhappily tanked night and therefore painful morning...if she wasnt there...
The only other morning to come close would be the sunrise-at-the-rock (Jan 1st, 2000).Trafalgar Square and chatting with Shubro was another...Dont remember much of the 02-03 morn, but this one aint goin nowhere for a long while.

Conversely, what a day today.

Rush to DD in the morning and COMPLETELY lost..something...the wind in my sails? La joie de vivre? Felt so lost and out of place. Messed up the news by missing an interesting culture item, so them not happy. Couldnt care less about reaching office sooner so somehow found my way thru zombie zone. Came in to be called by Dr.B - Ive been late to office too many times (true, true)...so HR and him not happy. Sighhhhhhhhh.....

Deep breath...try to gather myself. But gather what? I feel so fragmented, disjointed, unattached, unfeeling, unconcerned. Could almost sing a sad love song to the me that's gone away.

Me: Something's missing...somethings wrong...I need a break
Madhu: Hmmm
Me: But..its not like I've been working that hard (or have I?. Come to think of it, maybe all my ECAs are taking their toll...) But I need..something..I don't know what..
Madhu: Are you sure you don't know what it is you want or need?
Me: Hmmm...